How to get 100 girlfriends.

One of my favorite hobbies is eavesdropping on the conversations of strangers. The other day I was on the subway and this hipster couple next to me was trying to impress each other. They were talking about first concerts, and I overheard this little gem:

Girl: "I went to to Warped Tour when I was 15."
Guy: "Warped Tour, huh?"
Girl: "Yeah, I was a tough bitch."
Guy: "Or a stupid bitch. Is that it?"
Girl: "Oh."



SO MEAN! I was laughing so hard. I think I gave myself away.

day to day

I keep going to the little grocery store around the corner with a shopping list, and then just not buying half the list because I can't find it in the store. I've gone 3 times to look for things I gave up trying to find, or for stuff I forgot to write down. I've got just about everything now except for the peanut butter. WHERE IS IT, FOOD TOWN? WHERE ARE YOU HIDING IT.

Asking a store clerk means you lose and don't deserve to eat.

I really love these small cramped stores, though. There's a Rite Aid down the street in a normal sized building, but there's ALSO a little family owned sort of drug store, that carries the entire contents of Rite Aid, except in a store 1/8th the size. WAY BETTER. I don't have time to walk from aisle 2 to aisle 8, are you kidding? I'm a business woman.

I also found a hardware store that is basically Home Depot crammed into a large closet. I kind of felt like I was going to die when I was in there but it was great and I got a good deal on an extension cord and some wire brads.

I used these supplies to set up a work station in my apartment, because the place has weird wiring and the outlet by the desk didn't have 3 prongs and couldn't fit any of my plugs. I nailed the wire up around some door frames, using a high heeled shoe as a hammer.

One thing I didn't realize about high heeled shoes is that it hurts as much as a hammer to get hit on the thumb with one. This is good to know in case I'm ever caught in a situation where I need a weapon and don't have one.

I've been meeting a lot of new people here, which has been great. One of the people I met told me to read the short story "Bernice Bobs her Hair" by F.Scott Fitzgerald. I didn't read it yet but I did read the wikipedia entry and it inspired a drawing that I finished in Illustrator.


I'll probably go read the story now.

Another thing is that being here and meeting so many new people has made me hyper aware of the way that I present myself. I'm trying to take advantage of the opportunity to do a bunch of first impressions. My motto for New York is "fake it til I make it."

WORST ANIMAL.

I had sort of forgotten how much I hate pigeons. But don't worry, I remember now. I don't really like birds in general, but they are hardly ever close enough to me that I can hear the FLUTTERING. So sick. When a bird is fluttering near me I just feel like my air is completely ruined. I'm not really the type to ever think about germs, but around a pigeon or 100 pigeons it's all I can think of.

Also you can't trust a pigeon not to fly right at your face. They totally would do it.



JUST IMAGINE IT.

Everything besides the pigeons is great here. It's a small price to pay, I guess.

I drank all my roommate's juice because he was in Boston and I was gonna buy him more juice before he got back but he just walked in so I have to run to the store now. WHOOPS.

exhausted blogging, day 3

We're not homeless anymore! Today we signed a 4.5 month lease, for a 2 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn in a neighborhood called Bay Ridge. I'm pretty sure every time I tell someone where I live I will say "Bay Ridge-I know it's far but IT'S OK I really like it" all in one breath.

The neighborhood is really nice and safe, there's a bunch of amenities, and it's just a normal place where normal people live. Hipster-free. Also there's an express train so relax.

Today I ate a Vietnamese sloppy joe, and a piece of pizza, and a cupcake.

GOOD DAY.

Too tired to blog DAY 2

Today I walked in heels around the Time Square area because I had a job lead, and it felt great. I was alone so I was walking very purposefully, with no regard for anyone else. Really the only way to walk.

I liked feeling important for about 5 minutes, then I wished I was back as a bum wearing boots or sneakers.

I guess that's my life now.

I'M TOO TIRED TO BLOG

I am writing this live from New York City. I am exhausssssted! We've been running around looking for a place to live today, and it turns out Brooklyn is really hard to get around if you're trying to get from one weird area to some other weird area. I think we were on a subway for a total of 5 hours today. 5 hours of just being on a subway. I helped a blind guy find a seat and then 20 minutes later he spit a bunch of phlem on the floor. It was gross. Enough phlem that it might as well have been vomit. You know how it goes.

I was feeling a little run down from it all, and then I ate a really great bagel. Everything bagel with cream cheese and chives. Coffee with 2 creams. PURE BLISS for however long it took me to eat it. Then I felt OK.

Then a little bit after that I ate a soup, and it was just vegetable broth with GIANT vegetables. Like, they didn't try and cut the vegetables up at all. It was good but it was like, Ok I'm eating a vegetable, OK now I'm chasing it with broth, OK now I'm eating a vegetable.

Eating and going on the subway are the two main reasons I'm moving here so don't think this wasn't a great day. I'm also too tired to go in an strategically add exclamation marks to show that I'm excited and genuine. Because I am!!!!

Now I'm going to email a bunch more strangers from the internet and ask to come over and look inside their homes.

News!

Hey blog friends, sorry I left you hanging so long, but this blog post is going to be packed full of fun news items.

First, I have a page in this great anthology coming out along with a bunch of real life grown up big league cartoonists! I posted a taste of what I did for it last month, the final piece is really great and I'm really proud of it. Real high quality jokes. "BLACK EYE: Graphic Transmissions to Cause Ocular Hypertension," published by Rotland Press, is "an new anthology that collects original narrative comics, art and essays by 42 international artists and writers, all focused on the expression of black, dark or absurdist humor."

Cover by Onsmith and Paul Nudd

What can you do to help with my BIG BREAK? You can head on over to the Kickstarter page and throw down your milk money to help offset printing costs. Right here! While you're there, check out that list of names that I'm on.

Second thing: I am moving away to New York City this month to become a famous millionaire. I am very excited and scared and it is very exhilarating. I will miss Detroit and its wonderful inhabitants kind of more than you would even believe. But, it's about time for some adventure, and it might as well be somewhere where I can eat 20 bagels and then stand in the MoMA looking at pictures all day every day until I have died or I get job.

Speaking of jobs. I will soon be a famous millionaire, BUT, there might be a small period of time in between moving and achieving fame and success where I am poor and homeless, and for that time I could really use a job. Anyone know of anyone who could help me in that department?

These are the things I know how to do and have experience doing in exchange for money:
Drawing pictures
Arranging words together on a page
Teaching and hanging out with kids, except not where you need a certificate
Digital printing
Customer service/Reception/Admin support
Retail/smiling at customers/making correct change
Putting books on a shelf in the right order
Sandwiches

I'm particularly good at smiling.