Saturday, July 16, 2011


Thursday night I was at the grocery store when suddenly I really wanted pancakes. I don't even like pancakes. The syrup makes me feel sticky all over and it's too much cake but not cake, but for some reason I always THINK I like pancakes. Three bites in I remember that I don't, but there is some flavor and texture that I crave that I associate with pancakes in my mind. An association that is obviously wrong.

I've made pancakes four times since Thursday, and each time I am frustrated by how bad I am at it. I keep thinking, if I make it right, it will taste like how I want it to. But I'm finally starting to think that whatever I'm craving probably can't be made out of pancake batter.

This morning's attempt was the closest I've come to making what the box probably wants me to make. It's the right color, just the wrong shape. And completely NOT WHAT I WANT.

Also, since pancake batter doesn't grow on trees, I now I have to eat all of the ingredients I bought or I will never be able to justify another treat again.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

hey bro

What do you think this guy was thinking about? Probably cheeseburgers, right. ME TOO!

If you ever wondered what a "professional air guitarist" looks like, it looks like this turtle.

Today on the train, me and a businessman both went for the same seat. The last seat. The businessman won. What the hell, businessman? You've been sitting down all day! I earned that seat by wearing uncomfortable shoes today!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Get outta here!

Got friendly with this guy on a crowded train the other day. That pole is for SHARING. I really enjoyed gently caressing your face as I tried not to fall over when the train jerked forward.

Friday, July 8, 2011

pretty much all I think about

Centepedes I almost saw today:
a piece of lint
a piece of hair
a bobby pin
a shadow

Thursday, July 7, 2011

America's Birthday

I just want to tell you guys what my perfect day would be, if I got to pick all my favorite things to do. That's pretty much what the 4th of July was this year.

I started off the day with one of each of my 3 favorite breakfast foods: english muffin, donut, and bagel with cream cheese. You can eat whatever you want on the Fourth of July, I'm pretty sure it says that in the constitution. Then me and my roommates headed out to Coney Island for the hot dog eating contest, the most American of sports.

I could tell you the story like this: We went to Coney Island, we saw the hot dog eating contest, then we went to the beach and ate a hot dog, then we went home, it was great. But then you wouldn't understand all the weird things that made the experience different from the television. So I tried to write down all the key things that could really make you feel like you were there, but as I was writing this I realized that most people probably just want to hear the one sentence version and then want me to shut up. So there's that version, you can pretty much stop reading now.

The opening ceremonies of the whole shebang began with a girl singing the national anthem, which was fitting, I guess. Standing next to her was a guy in a hot dog costume. If you didn't look too closely, you could pretend that the hot dog was singing the anthem.

Then there was the kids version of the contest, which they called something like "Meat" Eating Contest but they were saying some word that sounded like "meat" but wasn't, and no one could understand what it was over the microphone. Everyone was like, oh god what are they doing to these kids. It eventually became apparent that it was a "Neat" eating contest, to be judged on manners. Real cute, right? The best part was the few kids who either didn't understand the contest, or didn't care, and were eating as fast as they could anyway. This one kid was really going at it. The asshole MC announced that everyone tied for first place and that kid was broken hearted.

Then they had an old guy and a young guy doing flips on a trampoline. The old guy was an "Olympic silver medalist" and a "Guinness World Record holder." He jump-roped with a hoola hoop, and I think that's what his world record is in.

Then they introduce the celebrity guest, Nick Cannon, but he didn't really do anything. He was just like "Hey, uh, glad to be here." I don't think he came back for the rest of the show. Maybe once. I don't care.

Then they had the first official women's contest, and they were all wearing tshirts and not bikinis, so I was happy. This contest was pretty exciting and I was pretty into it. The lady who won ate 40 hot dogs. She was already the record holder with 42. That's crazy. When they announced her at the start they said she weighed 102 pounds. I don't know how many pounds of hot dogs 42 is, but it's like, way too big of a percentage of her body-weight to be eating. She's an athlete and I love her. Here's her wikipedia entry: Sonya Thomas

After the women's contest I was about ready to be done, and they kept drawing out the show by shooting tshirts at the crowd. They had this one guy on the stage, and introduced him as a past competitor that wasn't able to compete. Then they had him do a rap. It was so embarrassing and I wanted it to stop. I couldn't tell what he was rapping about. The only way I can make it ok for myself is to imaging he was rapping about hot dogs, and even then, it's pretty awful. He even came back later and did another one. They did a bunch of other crap that I was too hot for, so when it was finally time for the main event I was pretty happy. They announced all the eaters with little videos and it looked just like when you watch professional wrestling. We all picked out favorite based on the video, mine was this guy because of his Ultimate Warrior mask. His nickname is "Eater X." They all have nicknames like that.

The old champ Joey Chestnut won, so it wasn't too exciting, but it was pretty gross and funny to watch his technique. This picture has been making me laugh for about 3 hours.

Then it was over and we tried to get out of there as quick as possible, but almost got trampled.

Did you know: There's a ride at Coney Island called "THE GHOST HOLE" which I want to go on before I die, but can't go on until I live a long and full life because it will probably kill me.

THE GHOST HOLE. Are you kidding me? I could never have made up a better name for a ride if I had thought about it my whole life.


We didn't have any time or money for rides so we trekked on to the beach, which was packed full of people having the time of their lives in the filthy water, and that made me pretty happy. Me and Allison waded in up to our knees, and I probably would have dove in right there if there weren't so many kids in my way.

We were hot and sunburned, but I didn't want to leave without getting a coney dog, so we went to go stand in line. The line to order wasn't so long, and I ordered a chili dog. After we ordered we had to go into the pickup line, and that was a complete disaster. We had a receipt with a number, and they were calling numbers, but they were also just taking the receipts of anyone who would crowd up to the window. The people in front of us were a group of foreigners with this one guy trying to explain to them what everything was, and I loved how long it took everyone to understand what a corn dog was. It was seriously beautiful. He was in the wrong line though.

The second line was some kind of hell and some other lady almost killed everyone when they wouldn't let her order from the pickup window. I didn't think anything would be worth all that drama, and let's be real, when I finally bit into that hot dog, it wasn't. But it was pretty close to being worth it.

When we were walking back to the train, we sort of got into a fight when these teenage no-goodniks were throwing exploding caps at the crowd (you know that kind that you throw on the ground and make a loud bang?) and couple of them hit us. Josh turned and told the kid that he had hit him and that he couldn't just throw things at people, and the kid apologized with a shit eating grin, and then the girl next to him was like, "We didn't mean to hit anyone," and then I lost it and yelled at her and called her a liar and that throwing things at a crowd made her a piece of shit and that was it. Somehow the fact that there was this stupid girl being impressed by this stupid guy made me the most mad. Anyway, I guess we won, only because we didn't get pelted by caps to the back of our heads when we turned to walk away. Josh and I are now in a gang and we will fight anyone so LINE UP!

When we got back to BAY RIDGE we had a short internet break followed by a last minute trip to the store and then the main event was on. Everyone prepared a ton of food to cook - I made kebobs with bacon-wrapped steak chunks - and we headed up to the roof. Our grill is pretty small so we were cooking things for the next 4 hours and then it was dark and we burned things and it was the only way I ever want to spend a day. We couldn't see the big Macy's fireworks display on the Hudson, but there were some fireworks going off around Brooklyn that we could sort of see behind buildings, and that was enough.

The happiest you will ever possibly see me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Yesterday was so great! I have a lot to say about it but I'm still pretty tired from loving America so hard. And really sunburned. Maybe tomorrow! Here's a backup drawing.

Everyday when I ride to work the train goes over the Manhattan Bridge and everyone checks their phones, because everyone likes to think they're important enough that someone tried to talk to them in the last half hour they were underground. I do it too, I am never important enough. Also, the view of the city from the Manhattan bridge is beautiful, all tourists should take the N train from Brooklyn into Manhattan as part of their tourist routine.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th of July!

Today we're going to Coney Island to see the hotdog eating contest!!!! I'll probably be tweeting about it, so follow me on twitter! It's so much fun!

The fourth of July is my favorite holiday. I love all summer cookout holidays. We're grilling on the roof later. I am the grill master and it is the happiest time of my life.


Too small face.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

This lady asked me for directions and I gave them to her. Then I drew a secret picture of her. Her shorts were too short.

When I first moved to New York, I got asked for directions ALL the time. The theory is that when you first move here there is a small window of time where you look like you know where you're going, and still look approachable. I haven't got asked in a few weeks, and I was sort of sad, because I really like giving directions.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


Why are crazy people always saying saying crazy stuff and then looking around and being like "Am I crazy here?"

"I want it JUMBO. Jumbo. JUMBO? HELLO? You got it? HAZELNUT. JUMBO. UHHEH. UH HEH."

Am I crazy here?

Today I went to treat myself to a bagel. My other favorite thing about New York is neighborhood bagel places. If you go in the morning, there will be a line, and there will be at least 1 crazy person in the line, guaranteed.

If you ever have to ask "Am I crazy here" or "Am I right?" you are probably crazy and not right.

One morning I was on the train, and it was packed with people. The train had bench seats, which were full. This lady standing next to me sees a tiny sliver of space between two people and leans over and SHOUTS at a seated woman's face: "Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! Why don't you move over so someone can sit there? HELLO? EXCUSE ME."

There is no room for another person. At all. The crazy lady starts looking around for people to back her up. "Can you believe this? Can you believe this? Am I crazy here? HEY. MOVE OVER!"

The people do not move over because there is no where for them to move. The crazy lady is fuming and then she snaps and just SITS DOWN in the tiny sliver of space, so she is seated on two people's laps. She slowly sinks down onto the bench as the people get squashed to either side. Everyone is instantly miserable. The lady keeps throwing her hands up in exasperation like, "Look what you made me do!" and continues to seek validation until she gets off 4 stops later. It was horrible.

Friday, July 1, 2011


Just got home from work. This guy and I are best friends.